honest_johns | (no subject)

(no subject)

It's been a day and more, and he hasn't seen Lilly.

Maybe she's in the Dreaming. Maybe she's been out, but avoiding him. And it's a very strong possibility that she'll resent him for trying to check up on her.

But he left her huddled on the couch looking as if he'd stuck a knife in her, and he hasn't had word of her in over a day. He's worried.

And guilt gnaws at his stomach.

A quiet knock on the suite door.

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Lilly ate half a sandwich and some of the soup Kaylee'd made for her last night, before she got a couple hours' sleep from sheer exhaustion. Earlier today, she took a long hot shower, trying to get warm.

Since then, she's spent most of her time on the balcony, staring at the lake and wishing it was the ocean.

It's been very quiet. The knock startles her.

"Who's there?"

Her voice rasps a little.

A moment, before the words emerge -- longer inside his head than in reality.

"It's me."

Quiet.

Lilly freezes for a moment.

It's not unexpected, really. Still. She takes a hesitant step towards the door, then stops.

"What do you want?"

No right to be hurt by that, either.

None.

He exhales.

"To see how you were doing."

Lilly takes a deep breath. It's a only a few steps to the door, only a second to open it, and then she's facing Alain.

Except... she can't quite look at him.

"Hey."

It's not an answer to his question, but her face may be answer enough.

It is.

It really, really is.

A knotted fist twists inside him. He half-lifts a hand, unthinking and helpless, and then catches the motion. It falls back to his side.

So many things to say -- he's said them, she knows them, and none of them would do a damn thing.

Lilly nods, silent, and steps back to let him enter before closing the door behind him. She doesn't move away from the door, just stands there watching him, tense and wary.

She hates feeling this way around Alain.

She hates that she can't help it even more.

That makes two of them, then.

Some fucking comfort.

He looks as if he's about to say something. Bites it back.

Instead,

It's a valid question, and an oblique one, and one he might have asked a few weeks ago when everything was different. It still seems pitifully banal.

Lilly laughs, or tries to.

"My eating habits have become really fascinating for people all of a sudden."

It's a decent attempt at not answering the question.

It is.

Also a visible one, though.

Alain tilts his head, inquiring. Oh?

Lilly shrugs.

"Kaylee."

She still hasn't managed to look him in the face.

"Oh." A nod.

Which she may or may not see.

Suddenly, he can't stand this any more.

A hand rakes through his hair, not quite fisting in it.

Low, Thick with a tangle of guilt and misery and apology.

He's not looking at her either, now.

Lilly's shoulders slump.

"I know."

She looks at him, finally, tries to smile.

"I hate it too, 'lain."

His lips quirk, as he meets her eyes. It's much too sad to be called a smile.

He holds out an arm, just enough to invite. Just little enough to be ignored.

Lilly hesitates, for a moment, before moving a half-step closer. Before reaching out to take his hand.

His shoulders sag fractionally, as his fingers curl around hers.

He tries to keep it from sounding bleak.

(I choose the clearing.)

The tell me if I can help undertones are not really veiled at all.

"I know," she says, again.

She wants to move closer, to let him wrap his arms around her.
Hold me,
Even though I know you're leaving.
Wants to lean on him, the way she has before when things fell apart and he was there to hold on to.
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
She can't. He can't help when he's the reason it hurts so damn much.

He wants to hold her.

Wants to say It'll be all right, wants to say I'm here.

But he's not, is he. That's the whole problem.

If he tries to hug her, he's afraid she'll flinch away, or go stiff and still again.

Which leaves words. And he can't think of any.

His hand tightens on hers. His other thumb is hooked loosely over a gunbelt, out of automatic habit, mostly because he can't think of anything else to do with that hand.

Lilly stands there, quiet and still, her hand in his. Eventually, she looks up at Alain.

"I... I don't know what we do now."

It's barely more than a whisper.

He's still holding her hand, fingers laced through hers. Looking down at her, head a little bowed.

"So."

Lilly's never like this, her head down and her shoulders slumped, motionless and silent.

It makes her look oddly small next to Alain, even more so than usual.

however long.

They're just... standing. No couch, no railing, just this bare space a few feet inside the door. Only their linked hands touching. He wants to move nearer. Can't.

Never has he felt awkward with Lilly, not like this. Never.

I love you.
I really don't know what I love you means.
"I love you too," she whispers.
I think it means don't leave me here alone.
It's all she manages before her breath catches, and the first tears slip down her cheeks.

Well, that's some nice conclusive evidence in support of what he just said.

Fuck.

He's reaching for her before he quite realizes it.

Lilly lets him pull her close, rests her head against his chest as his arms wrap around her. She breathes in, shaky, trying to stop crying. After a minute, it works. After another minute, she finds her voice again.

"It's... it's going to hurt no matter what you do, 'lain. No matter what I do. But-"

Another breath.

"I- I don't want you to leave me before you leave here. So. Just... for however long you're still here, I'm still with you."

Her voice breaks, and the next words are barely audible as she buries her face against his chest.

"I still love you, even if you're leaving."

"Even if I can't go with you."

His head is bowed over hers, and his eyes are closed. Tears swim in them, not quite shed.

All the answer he'd give is in how tightly he's holding her.

It feels inexpressibly comforting to have Alain holding her, even as her stomach knots in the realization that this is comfort she can't count on anymore.
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
Lilly knows she'll have to let go eventually. Just... not yet.

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